Gus's After
by midnightintheday
Summary: My idea of what happened to Gus after he died.


It's darker than I imagined. Well, okay, I don't know what I expected. All this time lying in bed, waiting for death, and I never imagined what it would be like here. Yeah, I had a few ideas, but I hadn't decided on one and none of them were like this.

Oblivion.

That's what this is. That feared thing that, in a way, started Hazel and I's relationship. I never quite got over that fear, just got better and ignoring it. And then I got worse again. It's hard not to fear oblivion when you are possibly on your way to it. When you are in bed for hours on end with nothing to do but think. When you are in so much pain you couldn't even think about moving and you wish for death to come soon.

And then there was Hazel. A simple, yet vital part of my life, one of the reasons I kept fighting even when fighting was no longer a real option. She visited plenty, kept me distracted. She never once gave up on me, even that time I almost killed myself out of sheer stubbornness. I never did get to write her that sequel. I hate that, but I don't know what I could have done. I got to write Van Houten at least. Hopefully he listened to my pleas and wrote one for her.

At least it's not painful here. That's something, I guess. I begin to wonder if I can move. I try my arms first and watch them lift in front of my face, the only color in this darkness. Satisfied, I try to walk, lifting my one real leg first. I'm shocked when I try to move my prosthetic and feel an actually knee bending. I lift the leg of my jeans and stare in shock at my newly whole leg. I feel a huge smile spread across my face but then it hits me. I'm dead.

I'm really dead. There's no going back from this one. No more second chances. No more pain, but no more happiness. No more going out with Hazel Grace. No more existential free throws. Just… No more.

I groan and press the heels of my hands into my eyes. I refuse to cry. That's not what's supposed to happen. I mean, who cries at their own deaths? I should be grateful that I'm finally out of all that pain and helplessness that has been my life. I'm sure Hazel wouldn't want me to cry now.

I tilt my head back and scream, throwing my arms out to punch something, anything. I kick and I punch and I scream and I know it won't do me any good. Who's going to hear me here anyway? I'm so mad. I wish I was back in my room that night with Isaac. I wish I had thrown a few statues with him instead of letting him do it all. I just wish I had something to break now.

It's so not fair. I was raised to think God was almighty and he did everything for a reason. What's His reason now? What did I do to deserve this? I was good, I did what my parents asked most of the time. I never broke any laws. Sure, I was kind of a jerk sometimes, but I'm a teenage boy, what does He expect?

I pull my knees to my chest, realizing for the first time that I'm sitting. I feel myself rocking and look around me. It's so dark. It's too dark. How am I supposed to deal with this? The darkness feels like it's pressing in on me and my breathing becomes panting. I hear screams and it takes a minute to realize they're coming from me. It all rushing in on me, all the promises I made that I couldn't keep, all the pain I must have left behind, all the sadness I caused while I was still living, everything. I start doubting everything I believe in, everything I was convinced of when I got here. I doubt Van Houten bothered to write anything for Hazel. Most of all, I doubt the existence of God. I mean, if He even does exist, he must be a major douche. I mean, who rips a kid away from everyone he loves? Who takes perfectly happy people and makes their lives this sad? And seriously, if He's as powerful as I was led to believe, why did He even make diseases like cancer. Why did He make love? It's just so painful when it's over, when He rips it apart.

I was wrong earlier. There is pain here. Just different pain. My heart feels like it's the new cancerous object of my body. I scoff. I guess Jesus is sharing his heart cancer.

"Is that what this is about?" I yell into the darkness. "A bunch of cancerous kids are meeting in your literal heart and you had to punish the ones that joke about it? That is so petty! And unfair! Hazel Grace never did anything to deserve this and neither did I. Yet you kill me and make her an emotional wreck?!"

I don't get any kind of response, not that I was expecting one. I start walking, deciding I might as well see if my dark expanse has some boundaries. I think about Hazel while I walk, imagining that she's walking with me. I think back to the first time I met her, when I told her about my metaphorical cigarettes. I smile when I think about her disgusted face when she first saw me put one in my mouth. The more I remember her, the sadder I get. I'll probably never see her again, and even if I did, it'd mean she's dead. I'd rather never see her for the rest of forever than see her dead. Then I start thinking about what she's probably doing now. I go through various scenarios, each one making me sadder than the last. I don't know how long I've been dead, and I don't even have a decent guess. I'd like to think it's just been a day, I don't want to wonder what took so long to get here otherwise.

I start to think about Hazel in a year, hoping she'll live that long. Maybe she'll have moved on. I'm not sure she'll ever have another boyfriend, not after being on the receiving end of the grenade. Hopefully she'll be happy at least. It'd kill me if she was still sad after that long. Oh wait, I'm already dead.

I've been walking for a while and still nothing has changed. I look around, assuring myself of the nothingness everywhere. Maybe this would suck a little less if I'd paid attention in Sunday school, at least then I'd have an idea of what this place is. Probably Limbo or Purgatory, I never did learn the difference between those two. Although, I hope for Purgatory, that just has a cooler name. I pick up my pace and soon I'm running. I don't have a destination, clearly, but it feels nice to be running again.

Suddenly, I see light. I skid to a stop, unsure about this. I mean, whatever it is has the potential to be better than this, but what if I wasn't as good as I thought and I'm being sent to Hell? That would suck. Or what if it sends me to earth to be a ghost? I don't want to watch Hazel be sad and not be able to help her. I walk towards the light, which is moving closer on its own now. It doesn't take long for the light to be right in front of me, about the size of any average door. I move around to look behind it, but it move with me to I can't.

I take a deep breath and take the last step, crossing through.

Now it's too bright. It hurts my eyes and I clench them shut with my arm covering them. I slowly lower my arm and open my eyes, letting them slowly adjust. Ok, maybe it's not that bright here, it's just super dark wherever I came from.

Oh my God. There are literally pearly gates. Wow. I'm glad Heaven just goes with our lame clichés. I laugh out loud, surprising myself with the sound of my own voice.

I walk towards the gates, still laughing on the way.

"I know buddy, we get that a lot," a voice says, making me jump. I look over and notice a little box close to the gate with a guy sitting in it.

"Oh, so I come to Heaven and get a toll booth?" I ask with a chuckle.

"Sure, I'll take your loose change if you have any," he responds. "No, I just make sure no one gets in who isn't supposed to. Which is not you, enjoy your stay and be sure to tell your friends about us."

The gates open slowly and I cautiously walk in, throwing a glance at the guy in the booth. He seemed way too funny to be the guy who works the gates for Heaven. I go in and the gates close behind me and it's nothing like I expected in here. There's not even a tour guide to help me out right inside the gate.

I think I recognize this place. There's houses and yard all around me and I'm standing right in the middle of the street. I walk around and everything becomes increasingly familiar. I think I know where I am after the third house I pass.

I pick up my pace to a full sprint, cutting through yards and jumping fences on my way. I come to a stop in front of one very special house. The one I grew up in. I walk up the front path and stop at my front door. I stare at it, remembering that time I accidentally broke the window above the knocker with a wild basketball. My parents were so mad that day, I remember being terrified they would drop me off at an orphanage somewhere after that.

I push open the door and walk slowly to the living room, taking everything in. It's all the same as when I left, although I notice the hospital bed isn't by the window in the living room anymore. I walk around the couch, searching for the remote. It might be fun to watch _V for Vendetta_, like I did that day I met Hazel. I sit down and notice I'm not the only one in the room. I scramble back yelling expletives.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" I yell.

"Hello, I'm Castiel. I'm an Angel of the Lord. I'm here to help you make a smooth transition into Heaven."

"Well, _Castiel _where are your wings? Little tiny pigeon wings maybe?" I watch his expression go from neutral to angry in seconds. "Whoa, man, I'm just kidding. Can you answer a question for me?"

"That depends on the question," he remarks.

"How's Hazel Grace doing?" I ask, looking at my hands instead of him.

"She's not too good right now but she'll get better before she joins you," Castiel informs me. I glance up at him and he's fidgeting with the TV remote.

"So she'll live for a while longer?" I ask excitedly.

"I didn't say that. I just said she gets better," he responds.

I get up and walk to the window. I look out at the street, noticing the lack of cars and children. "How… How long does she have?"

He waits too long to answer so I turn around and glare at him. He stares at me with pity written all over his face. "Two months," he finally says.

I feel my lips form a small smile and I turn around to look out the window again. "Two whole months. She gets two months more than me." I chuckle. "And she was sure she would die first."

"Do you have any other questions?" Castiel asks.

"Sure, why isn't there anyone else here?"

"This is your Heaven. People can visit, or you can visit them, but for now, you're the only one in this particular Heaven," Castiel explains.

"Can I see Hazel?" The question slips out without my meaning to say it. I'm not sure what I want his answer to be. I hear a click and muffled voices so I turn around. He turned on the TV and Hazel's on it. She's lying on her bed, sobbing. Her parents are with her, trying to comfort her but they obviously don't know what to do.

The sound of her sobs hit me right in the chest. I sink to the floor, covering my ears on the way. "Turn it off!" I yell.

"Is that not what you wanted to see?" Castiel asks. He turns of the TV and sets the remote on the coffee table.

"You know damn well that's not what I wanted to see!" I yell. I jump up and lunge at the angel. I don't get a hit in because he easily dodges me, but I keep trying. He lets me tire myself out and sits with me on the couch when I do.

"What were you expecting? Puppies and unicorns? I warned you that she didn't take it too well," Castiel scolds.

"Well you could've just said no! I never wanted to cause her pain and I certainly didn't want to see it!" I yell at him.

"Yes, well now you're dead and she's not. There's nothing you can do for her now. You might as well focus on being okay with that and getting used to Heaven so you can help her adjust when she gets here," Castiel explains calmly. I sigh and put my head in my hands.

"Okay," I mutter.


End file.
